I quickly remembered that someone in my family also used to ask me for the same thing. After a few years, I was removed from that responsibility completely. I'd like to think it was based purely on the fact that it became just "too much for us to eat". Could this have been an insult in disguise? A preschooler could have performed that duty well.
Hosts frequently turn into accidental assholes in these situations. I often say "Just bring yourself!" and I actually mean it. Meanwhile, I am probably promoting low self-esteem one guest at a time. It's not that I don't trust you. (Well frankly, it depends who it is.) But I should know better since people always ask me to just bring spinach dip. "You make a really good one." It takes 11 seconds to make, has five ingredients, (two of which I can buy in my office's company store for basically nothing) and requires no oven. Wow, I'm clearly exuding reliability and generosity.
There are a few people whose contributions and requests are always predictable. I handle accordingly -
The Blonde will bring "anything you need". Even if it's store bought, she'll assemble it on a cute little plate. But she doesn't fool me with her big smile and cheery temperament. It's really code for "My husband is occasionally grossed out by things other people make and at least he knows he can eat what comes from our house." Well played.
The Teacher has one job. Pepperoni Bread. And it's DELICIOUS. She doesn't even need to attend. I'm fine with her just dropping it off on my doorstep. We are rude enough to ask her to make it for everything and it's a pain. Even when she's been 8 months pregnant in the dead of summer. If there's no Teacher, there's no Pepperoni Bread. She secures invites based solely on that. There's just something to be said about consistency. If I had to pick her or the bread, um.......
The Redhead gets frustrated by the entire process, usually because she is running late buying something to wear. If Santa gets her letter this year, the mall will soon start selling tank tops AND pastries in the same store. There are also strange food allergies involved so my requests must be limited. She gets mad when I don't suggest things so I usually just say dessert or alcohol.
The One With The Big Boobs is always good for booze and tuna. Yes, I said tuna. (I also said she has big boobs but she really does.) With people popping out kids at a rapid pace, there's all sorts of early day events. And her tuna is pretty great. Being the spinach dip girl, I'll never knock her for that. We don't expect her to cook and she accepts that (lack of) responsibility very gracefully.
The Bartender is just a complicated guest. She is a vegetarian, and always has 19 other parties to go to that day. I don't ask her to bring anything because she's generally coming from somewhere else and, secretly (or not so secretly because she reads this), I might be scared. She doesn't like salad dressing. I find that concerning. (I also don't trust people who dislike cheese so thankfully she has that going for her. Still weird.)
The Wild Card is, well, the wild card. She's all over the map. I embrace it because last time I recall her bringing White Castles. That was an aggressive move and it was well respected in my book. She's also pregnant and, contrary to most knocked up ladies, is currently repulsed by food. I'm looking forward to her rejoining the eating community soon and supplying me with whatever her heart desires.
There's a Fancy One who once brought me a really great bottle of wine in an equally great holder. I accidentally insulted her by trying to give it back. You should never assume its respective wrapping.is yours to keep. She also bakes. Extra points for well-rounded guests.
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| Still have it! |
I know, this isn't fair unless I poke a bit of fun at myself. As far as my attendee responsibilities, my Sister-In-Law often asks me for wine. I am not insulted because I know it's a very critical part of that meal. She's has three kids and, if I did, I'd hope someone was bringing wine as well. Plus, one time I made her a birthday cake and for whatever reason, it turned out really small. It was like serving one Dunkin Donuts munchkin to an entire family. Dinner at Bob Cratchit's house had better dessert. I recall her thoughtfully saying it looked like a tart. If I were her I may have said "Hey thanks for ruining my birthday" and called Carvel immediately.
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| May have been human error, but I'd suggest steering clear of this one. |
The moral of the story...even when you know what to expect (and we ALL do), next time someone asks what they should make for your event, choose your words carefully. Don't say "bring napkins" or "we have it all covered". It's just mean and they will likely develop a complex. Sometimes they will talk about you to their coworkers. Buy your own napkins. And sorry, but you do NOT have it all covered. That basically translates to "all the really good stuff has been taken care of by people we trust." Terrible cooks have feelings, too. And don't think you've outsmarted them with "Can you pick up....." Those people (like The Attorney) recognize it means please buy it and don't attempt to make it. That's actually worse.
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