Flurry Worry

Once again, there will be snow.  Kill me.

If you look closely, you can actually see the millions of Americans flooding grocery stores to buy every available loaf of bread.  Don't they know Chinese food delivery guys will risk their lives for an order over 15 bucks? 

Bad weather makes people crazy.  And since everyone is already a little bit crazy, it just brings out the worst in them.   I hate being trapped indoors (which we say is fun with kids and spouses but it definitely makes people drink).  Some of us curse airlines for canceling flights.   My husband is off to Toronto for the night...I'll probably see him again at some point in March. 

Along with the crazy behavior is a systemic, cultural inability to shut up about it all.  And unfortunately, the cold also dulls creativity.   Today I saw what appeared to be an impromptu competition of car thermometer pictures on Facebook.  I'd venture to guess that at least half of them felt safe taking the photo then uploading while driving.  Meanwhile, 14 flakes later they'll be unable to drive because that's much too dangerous.  I'm not sure who won the eventual award for lowest temperature, but I guess congratulations are in order.  I'm sure your 3º felt WAY colder than his 7º.

Upon further review of super-exciting weather chit-chat, I saw the word "balmy" used by 7 people. I have to point out that 1) I'm perfectly fine knowing I've never used the term before in my life and 2) everyone who did just probably saw it on some else's page, did a dictionary.com validation, then stole it. In the spirit of Facebook cohesiveness, I'm shocked nobody has used their thermometer photo as a profile picture to promote solidarity in this difficult time.

They left out the tiny blue sliver representing me.  I disappointingly browse Facebook for interesting status updates to comment on. There are never any!

I guess Facebook nonsense is better than the weather commentary on the news during our last storm.  I saw a woman being interviewed who recently moved from Phoenix to Manhattan.  She actually said, on national television, that she was "terrified of the snow."  She looked like she might cry, standing on the street in every conceivable winter accessory, talking to a reporter.  I felt bad for her.  Not that she's afraid of snow (that is just a RIDICULOUS thing to say, it's not nuclear fallout) but that she admitted it TV.  So much for her dating life in the new city. "Everyone, I'd like you all to meet my new girlfriend.  She's afraid of snow."  I know my mother would have fully endorsed my brother taking a trip down the aisle with that girl.

24 hours left until the East Coast is paralyzed again.  For my sake, and the sake of others, please stock up on booze and creative discussion topics.   It's fine to post pictures of your kids in the snow, but you don't need to label them "Johnny in the snow." (We get it, promise.)  And don't forget shovels and gloves.....although I did fully enjoy watching people stomp out of Target after complaining  there were none left during a blizzard in mid January.  Clearly their fault, nothing to do with your lack of proactivity.

Safe travels!

Crapaoke

What's better than spending the evening at a bar full of bizarre locals in a random town?  In theory, probably anything. But at least it was entertaining.  Sort of.

Apparently Thursday is Karaoke Night at this gem.  And Prime Rib Night but, um, no thanks. After a quick visual evaluation, only fried food was an option.  I didn't see a sign but I'm guessing it's also "Let's Keep the 90s Alive Forever Night" because that is the only logical explanation for some of the outfits.

Minus a few good singers, these people sucked.   Worse than I've ever seen.  I can say that because I am an excellent singer.  Having flawlessly executed "Funky Cold Medina" to honor Husband's birthday in a Japanese Karaoke Bar earlier this year,  resulting in a standing ovation (okay, I just lied), I really could have blown away the competition.

The smile of a man who knows his lucrative retirement will be made possible by my eventual career in music.

But I was a newcomer, so I wanted to make friends.  And I sure did -

My bar neighbor shared that he goes there "every day at 9am with a newspaper" because he was laid off and has nothing else to do.  He also told me four times he "made a lot of money", and proved it by quoting his exact hourly rate, dollars and cents.  Strangers should always tell each other their annual income, right?  Good ice breaker.

I misunderstood his comment about "singing on cruise ships" and thought he actually did that for a living, which I thought was awesome.  Turns out he only sings on cruise ships when he's vacationing.  Bummer.  I tried to get him to sing a duet with me and Husband suggested the "Cruisin" remake by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow.   I thought telling him I knew the entire thing by heart, plus pointing out it had the word "cruise" in it so that was a sign from God, would seal the deal.  He was not interested.  What a jerk. 
 
Good thing the DJ played the worst techno songs ever in between every performance. This place clearly needed more horrible music to entertain patrons  Husband said he probably also works as an MC at a strip club although I'm not sure how he'd know since he's definitely never been to one. (Me either.)

Not wanting to interrupt a very heated game, I decided against telling the girl storing extra metal-tipped darts in her ponytail that it seemed dangerous.  Especially while dancing.  And flashing other players.  One shirt lift gone wrong and she could have stabbed herself in the brain.  Although I really don't think society was at risk of losing a future Nobel Prize winner.

Amazing how many photos are available when googling "Dart Injuries".  A little kid had one in his shoulder but I wasn't prepared for parental backlash.  Plus, he looked really upset which would've ruined my story.

If I was easily offended, I might have asked the bartender why she picked us as the two people who would definitely know what channel 'Jersey Shore' was on. After saying MTV and that it was Channel 53 through our cable provider, she asked "well what about on regular TV?"  I'm still not sure what that meant.  But due to the fact that we definitely got into a time machine when walking through the door, she may not have known what cable was. Makes perfect sense.

The best part of the whole night?  The prize for winning the karaoke competition finals (which will be held next Thursday if anyone is interested) is a "trip for 2 to Mexico". A+ for ambiguity!  Wouldn't you be super excited knowing this trip could potentially place you in ANY god forsaken city in the country?  One bad shake of a Magic 8 Ball by a disgruntled travel agent could land you in sunny Juarez.   Good luck contestants!

Is the prize actually a scam that tricks you into buy a vacation timeshare?

Drive Me Crazy

When The Jew Who I Gave A Christmas Ornament To (whatever, I blame my mother - she told me it was fine and I was six years old) said she was available for dinner, I was excited.  She was my best friend growing up and I don't get to see her very often.  And yes, her parents allowed her to still spend time with me after I probably ruined Hanukkah.  It was Snoopy....nobody hates Snoopy!  Good enough reason to ignore that it played Jingle Bells, right?

Looked very similar to this one.  Damn thing is probably worth money. You're welcome!

After a long drive home from the office, I was more than happy when she offered to pick me up.  After parking in a guest spot (even though half of my driveway was wide open), she claimed it was because she didn't want to accidentally block in my husband.  In retrospect, I think it was based on fear of forgetting to apply the brakes and running into my house.

She is a horrible driver.  HORRIBLE.

Sort of like a student driver, but without the enthusiasm.  Or current knowledge of traffic laws.  She keeps in the center lane, thankfully, and does not turn on the radio.  Who doesn't listen to the radio in their car?  Definitely someone who believes noise will be a dangerous distraction.  Oh boy. 

If I had known back in 1986, I would have skipped Snoopy and bought this instead.

To be fair, I am not great myself.  I blame night blindness, poor depth perception and, of course, drivers like her that ruin the experience for everyone on the road.  I have damaged every car I've ever owned and racked up a substantial amount of tickets.  Thankfully I've gotten most of them expunged or reduced.  I actually had a judge stop court one time, turn off the recording device and say "Ms. (Last Name), I have been advised the prosecutor is willing to plead this ticket down to obstructing traffic (less than 100 bucks and no points in case you ever need to know).  And interestingly enough, after reviewing your records, you have apparently "obstructed traffic" four other times in the last few years."  Total coincidence. 

But when someone says "I really don't drive much" that is code for "put on your seat belt because chances are, you will be injured tonight."  I felt totally confident when she asked me to pass over her glasses (because apparently she was unable to do this while driving).  If you cannot lift something with one hand while maintaining control of the steering wheel with your other hand, it's time to voluntarily turn in the license.  And she might as well have foregone the glasses completely.  They were strictly for decorative purposes because she was not someone I'd consider savvy with signage.  I directed our entire trip from the passenger seat. 

This guy managed to balance his 1980 style phone, enjoy a Happy Meal AND pose for a picture.  He's my hero.

The restaurant was about 10 miles away right off a highway.  She commented on how it was taking a long time to get there.  And that was true...because we were driving well below the speed limit.   We finally arrived safely and dinner was great.  She mentioned a fear of flying at one point.  Not "because of terrorism, but because I'm afraid of crashing".  How interesting that she's afraid of crashing in a plane but doesn't seem to be afraid of crashing while driving.  She is much safer using her seat as a flotation device in an ocean full of sharks after a plane crash than she is driving her own vehicle.  

On our way home, I heard a story about the one time she damaged her former car -

Her - I have never been in an accident.
Me - No, but you have definitely caused accidents. (And that is probably true.  It's the slow, nervous people on the road that drive and hum happily while they unknowingly cause 15 car pileups behind them.)

Her -Well one time I "swooped' into a pole behind me.
Me - You mean you backed into it.
Her - No, I swooped.
Me - Also known as backing into it on an angle.

Very convincing argument from someone who, that same night, drove in the oncoming traffic lane until I pointed it out.  Saying you'd "be a better driver in Britain" does not make you any more credible.

I Don't Believe We've Met

Yesterday Husband and I went to a very well attended work party (which also included families of guests and non-colleagues who were friends/family of the host).   Those events are always tricky, especially when you really don't know many people.  I'm not a shy person but I do much better with complete strangers than people I sort of know.

We had two invites back to back so there was no time to change.  We were definitely overdressed which instantly made me uncomfortable and obligated to explain we came from somewhere else more formal. (I know I'd definitely be whispering about the person in black patent stilettos and a dress at 2pm on a snowy day.)  Good thing only three too many women commented on how they can't believe I can walk in heels like that.  And only one actually lifted up her leg, showing me her shoe, as proof that she "is a bigger fan of flats."  I would not have been overly surprised if she continued lifting and put it behind her head as a nifty party trick.

I should have encouraged her to try it.  She was halfway there.

Someone I see regularly approached us.   I even know her name and thought she may know mine. Turns out she did not.  In those situations you should simply say "Hi, I'm (name)" and follow up introductions with small talk to find out more instead of hurling a grenade at the other person.

Her opener?  "You must be a friend of (host)".  Ouch. At this point, Husband is warming up to make this conversation more interesting.  He has an uncanny ability to keep a straight face in all situations.  I do not.

I responded politely letting her know that was not the case. Before I could tell her my role at the company..."Ohhh, so HE must work there.  He looks much more familiar than you do." Ouch ouch.  Quick note to my parents and/or friends - if I am ever kidnapped, don't bother putting my face on posters or milk cartons.  Apparently it is not at all recognizable or familiar so it will be a giant wasted effort. You will never find me.  Maybe just slap on a picture of my shoes because they are clearly more noticeable.

Husband lightens up the conversation by saying "nope, she actually works there, not me....in the cafeteria....she's the lunch lady."  Radio silence.

Be A Good Sport

A few days ago, a colleague asked for a ski mountain recommendation     Two months ago it was "Do you play volleyball?" by someone else.  Months prior, "We need an extra for our softball team."  Ugh.

It has been difficult to come up with excuses.  Just so you know, I am not a klutz.. And I love being part of team events.   I have just suffered a few tough blows in the land of athletics over the last twenty years or so.  If I didn't have the unsettling feeling that I'll be embarrassed in front of people I see in the office, I'd be on board.  But until they ask me to join a Zumba or Cheerleading team (and I really hope they would because I'd even volunteer to be captain and totally stand in the front), I may be coincidentally busy.   Some of these people are on every stinking team in the office.  I hate them extra.

Every time I get approached, I have a quick flashback of the last time I engaged in that activity. 

Skiing - Aside from having to wear a knee brace for months after an injury AND that I'm afraid of heights AND had a horrific lift incident, I am born to ski.  What are the odds that the very first time I got on a lift, my ski fell off while we were moving and landed on a snowboarder's head? (Good, the odds were very good.)   I was terrified that I'd have to somehow ski off with one leg (people with one actual leg would be better than me at this for sure) while walking with the other.  My rational behavior, disguised as screaming and waiving to the lift operator that it must INSTANTLY be turned off, was rewarded and it was stopped completely. The man I hit brought my ski up with him - bless his heart.  I would have thrown it in the woods. 

Softball - I was pretty good when I was a kid.  The eventual demise occurred in High School gym when I, brilliantly, pitched underhand to our basketball team's center from about 10' away.  The lines in my stomach from the stitches were there for quite some time. I decided to manage the boy's baseball team shortly thereafter. 

Volleyball - Tried out Sophomore Year and gave up.  There is nothing fun about diving on the floor unless you are on one of those game show where they pump cash into the sealed booth. I was crippled for days. I cried. A lot. 

Parasailing - Not really a sport but a damn good story.  Shot off the back of a boat with my brother.  I did NOT want to do this, by the way.  Remember that fear of heights?  Might as well add "fear of getting eaten by sharks" after the boat engine stalled and we plummeted into the ocean (and floated aimlessly until our rescue boat arrived).

A nice shot of our unintentional descent.

My parents did receive a refund.

Football - Let's just say our Powder Puff High School game turned into something you'd see on Jerry Springer.

Cycling - I've already told this story so let me keep it short.  I have been pinned down and run over by my own bike.  And not a motorcycle, an actual bicycle.   That should cover it.

Swimming - I'm a pretty good swimmer.  I was even on the swim team as a child and won a number of ribbons (that I also decided to wear proudly at a Father's Day BBQ a few years ago after some wine)  Too bad they had to make accommodations for me since I refused to dive off one of those blocks outside the pool.  Maybe it was because my diving instructor decided the best approach was to pick me up and drop me head first into the deep end when I was about 5.  I can only hope her chosen career has led to additional work with children.  She's a natural.

There may have been a white, um, 4th place in there too.  No need to show that.  I must have been tired from winning all the blue ones. 

Shameless plug for myself - most athletes probably did NOT also get awards in Citizenship and Perfect Attendance.  Just saying.

I have made a promise to myself that I will step it up this year. It's time to, once again, enter the world of athletics.  And I am not above inviting people who are worse at sports to go with me.  Everybody needs a little inspiration, even at the expense of others. 

The Blonde and I plan to hit the Ice Skating Rink this weekend.  I suck but she's never gone before.  Plus I have no problems tripping her if she's any good.

New Year's Eve(rybody hates this day, not just me)

NYE is my least favorite holiday.

I've had a few great ones.......

2004 - This was NOT a stranger.  And thankfully, he didn't drop me.

just as many bad ones, and a myriad of nights that would fall somewhere in between. 

This year, I have a sparkly dress (well maybe tweens would consider it a dress but it's really about an inch past my ass cheeks so I'd consider it a long shirt) that I will wear (with tights, I am in my 30s and the dream is over) in a few hours.  I will cheer for Snooki as she's dropped over the Seaside, NJ boardwalk.  I will simultaneously pray the New Year brings her self respect, a clear melanoma screening and  maybe some more supportive undergarments.  I will do my best not to make any negative comments about Dick Clark but, let's face it, he's hard to understand and he is OLD.   There is nothing "Rockin'" about him anymore except the fact that he's giving us all the silent middle finger while collecting a sizable paycheck.

Rock on, buddy.  Ride it out as long as possible.

So why am I such a grinch?  That's easy...too many overpriced venues with too few cabs. Too many drinks and not enough hours to sleep off the hangover.  But mostly, it's a reminder of all the things we intended to do the prior year.  And how we always intended to lose weight. And I DID intend to do that...I blame my 1) back injury, 2) hectic work schedule and 3) Oreo breakfasts every day this week.  If you don't relate to that third one, I hope this year brings you misery.

Last year there were a bunch of people at my house which was great.  I also managed to buy the only noisemakers on the planet that actually didn't make any noise. I'd like to extend a special f*ck off to that manufacturer.  Did you think people would just want to blow on cardboard sticks with foil fringe hanging out the end? It is not cool to mislead drunk people.  That happens enough on this holiday at bars across the country.   I hope your company is out of business.  You have no soul.

So since it's the last day of the year, I pulled out my bucket list for a good laugh.  It was also eagerly put together in 2009 so it's even more disappointing. The intention was to update it yearly with all sorts of checks and smiley faces.

Let's see how things have been going -

 1 -  Challenge my fear of heights for something really worth it. 
I'm not sure forcing myself up the backless stairs in the mall counts, but I did that once this year.  And I had a panic attack.  After that, I wimped out at London Eye and pretty much every other structure taller than 10'.

2-  Make a grown man cry (in a good way). 
This year, I accidentally included a pair of my own underwear (tagless, they were not new) in a Target shopping bag while returning a pair of pajama pants.  The cashier held them up and asked me if I wanted to return them as well.  I said no.  He clearly knew I did not buy them there. He probably went home and cried but it wasn't what I was going for.

3-  Fix something that seems impossible. 
What does that even mean? When did I turn philosophical?  Apparently I'd been watching too many episodes of Extreme Makeover Home Edition.  My hairdresser was recently able to create a longer style that adds deceiving volume to my very fine hair.  D,  if you have this on your list, you can officially remove it.

4-  Get something published.
Not sure Blogspot or Facebook are what I had in mind.  I've drafted a few documents that are now used by my company.  Only losers count those.

5-  Learn how to play the guitar (or at least some song with some meaning)
Does buying a guitar count? At least I took the initiative.  If you ever need to borrow it, that's fine.  Just dig through my guest room closet right under the suits and cocktail dresses.

6-  Run a race (not too long that I die/not too short that it is shameful to call a race)
I wore grey Converse to the NYC AIDS Walk because they looked cuter with my outfit.  I could not walk for three days after.  Definitely not the mindset of an athlete.  

7-.  Keep some type of plant alive at least 3 months. 
Success!  Do they need to have leaves and/or flowers by the end of the 3 months?  If so,  I get half credit. 

8-  Reconnect with someone and apologize.
Got this one off the list quickly.  I told her I had been wanting to do that for a long time.  She probably thought it was weird but at least I got something totally off the list.  I am entitled to add at least one selfish item.

9-  Shoot a gun.
WTF?  Ninth on a list of life-changing activities?  I think I'm going to explode every time I light the stinking barbecue grill.  That was just a waste of words and nobody should EVER trust me with a gun. 


10-  Donate my time (not my money) to a good cause
Did this but there's always at least some money involved. Nobody REALLY wants only your time. 


11-  Get a term/quote/phrase into mainstream society.  And that means you can find it on Google.
Today, the "List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Over-use and General Uselessness." came out and I use at least 5 of them regularly.  And 3 of them today alone.  Wishful thinking.

http://www.wtnh.com/dpp/news/strange/banish-these-words-and-phrases-in-2011

12- Buy a mountain bike and ride it further than the end of my own street.
My legs are about as long as a midget's.   Last time I rode one (in Key West on Spring Break), I fell off on the beach, it collapsed on top of me and the wheels continued spinning, leaving marks on my legs.  I had to get a ride home in a cab, bike in the trunk (I had vertigo AND a broken flip flop - rough trip) because I couldn't even get back on.  Later that evening someone asked me in a bar if I "was the girl who wiped out today on a bike and got run over by it".

13 - (Blank, it just had a dash like I had a good idea but chose not to complete it)
Probably a wise decision because they were really going nowhere.

The good news is that I have high hopes for 2011.  I plan to add a whole series of additionally unattainable goals my existing list of unattained ones.

I can always shoot for co-hosting with Ryan Seacrest since that job might available soon....relax, I'm not wishing death on him.  Seacrest is doing it for all of us.

Mass Textodus

Irish questioned my level of social etiquette yesterday.  And coming from him, I didn't feel great about myself.  He's one of my closest friends and I value his opinion.. However, he is also someone who accepts every single event invitation received through Facebook with basically no intention of attending or participating   Sometimes unsuspecting victims even thank him for his support.   I should have just ignored him completely.

My argument?   It is not necessary to respond to "mass texts".  Especially when they are clearly identified as such. He disagreed and thought I was being a jerk.  Come on....they are often as sincere as sending obligatory holiday cards to people who send them to you.  And if you read this blog regularly, you know my stance on those.

I know, right?? 

The topic came up when I asked if the iCompass (my affectionate name for the iPhone, based on its excellent apps but inability to actually function as a phone) offered the "mass text" functionality and how it worked.  I wondered if it allows you to text the entire phonebook at once or if you can only self select.

Turns out the iCompass, like basically all others, requires you to select recipients.  This is surprising based on the "mass text" distribution lists I have been included on over the years.  I always assumed every single contact in the phone had to be getting them. 

Good example - one former colleague used to send something for basically every holiday.  And it was DEFINITELY not personalized.  This Christmas I got nothing.  Was it because I didn't respond to her last note about looking for her new employer's float at the Thanksgiving Day Parade?  Maybe if she was riding it, waving at me and calling my name on TV...or if it was shaped like her face.  OR MY FACE!!!.  Other than, how was I supposed to respond?   "Awesome!  Great use of paper mache and carnations!"  That's just silly.

I found out yesterday from my Middle School Friend that the Blackberry uses purple font to help identify such texts.  (Quick apology to anybody whose night I just ruined but if you get a romantic text and it's in purple, he/she was also trying to meet up with at least one other person later that evening.)   Without that hint, what's a girl to do?  My Droid doesn't color code so I'm forced to guess.

Maybe I'm lazy, or insensitive but I'd prefer to say my lack of responses is based on an uncomfortable situation that occurred several years back-

I received a text (at about 2am, by the way) announcing the birth of a child  I didn't have the number stored, nor did I recognize the baby's name as something I should have been expecting to hear about.  I politely responded, congratulating the parents, complimenting the name (which I wasn't even crazy about) and informing them I "must have received this in error", feeling bad that the intended recipient was accidentally excluded.  I really outdid myself.  Manners galore :)  I remember the response like it was yesterday - 

"Hey, it's (my old boss) and you were meant to receive it." 

Yay, me!   I ruined the ten minutes immediately following the birth of his first child.  I tried to diffuse the situation with a joke but he never responded.  How is it my fault that I hated the job enough to delete any evidence of the person who hired me? It's not like I planned to call him regularly to talk about all the fun times I had in his office listening to negative feedback regarding my partnering skills.

The road to hell is often paved with good intentions. So I stick to this rule now...if it can't be addressed with a "you, too", it's best to ignore.  Or just use the "you, too" in all situations.  It's equally as impersonal and you'll be quickly be left out of future correspondence.

Everybody wins.