Drive Me Crazy

When The Jew Who I Gave A Christmas Ornament To (whatever, I blame my mother - she told me it was fine and I was six years old) said she was available for dinner, I was excited.  She was my best friend growing up and I don't get to see her very often.  And yes, her parents allowed her to still spend time with me after I probably ruined Hanukkah.  It was Snoopy....nobody hates Snoopy!  Good enough reason to ignore that it played Jingle Bells, right?

Looked very similar to this one.  Damn thing is probably worth money. You're welcome!

After a long drive home from the office, I was more than happy when she offered to pick me up.  After parking in a guest spot (even though half of my driveway was wide open), she claimed it was because she didn't want to accidentally block in my husband.  In retrospect, I think it was based on fear of forgetting to apply the brakes and running into my house.

She is a horrible driver.  HORRIBLE.

Sort of like a student driver, but without the enthusiasm.  Or current knowledge of traffic laws.  She keeps in the center lane, thankfully, and does not turn on the radio.  Who doesn't listen to the radio in their car?  Definitely someone who believes noise will be a dangerous distraction.  Oh boy. 

If I had known back in 1986, I would have skipped Snoopy and bought this instead.

To be fair, I am not great myself.  I blame night blindness, poor depth perception and, of course, drivers like her that ruin the experience for everyone on the road.  I have damaged every car I've ever owned and racked up a substantial amount of tickets.  Thankfully I've gotten most of them expunged or reduced.  I actually had a judge stop court one time, turn off the recording device and say "Ms. (Last Name), I have been advised the prosecutor is willing to plead this ticket down to obstructing traffic (less than 100 bucks and no points in case you ever need to know).  And interestingly enough, after reviewing your records, you have apparently "obstructed traffic" four other times in the last few years."  Total coincidence. 

But when someone says "I really don't drive much" that is code for "put on your seat belt because chances are, you will be injured tonight."  I felt totally confident when she asked me to pass over her glasses (because apparently she was unable to do this while driving).  If you cannot lift something with one hand while maintaining control of the steering wheel with your other hand, it's time to voluntarily turn in the license.  And she might as well have foregone the glasses completely.  They were strictly for decorative purposes because she was not someone I'd consider savvy with signage.  I directed our entire trip from the passenger seat. 

This guy managed to balance his 1980 style phone, enjoy a Happy Meal AND pose for a picture.  He's my hero.

The restaurant was about 10 miles away right off a highway.  She commented on how it was taking a long time to get there.  And that was true...because we were driving well below the speed limit.   We finally arrived safely and dinner was great.  She mentioned a fear of flying at one point.  Not "because of terrorism, but because I'm afraid of crashing".  How interesting that she's afraid of crashing in a plane but doesn't seem to be afraid of crashing while driving.  She is much safer using her seat as a flotation device in an ocean full of sharks after a plane crash than she is driving her own vehicle.  

On our way home, I heard a story about the one time she damaged her former car -

Her - I have never been in an accident.
Me - No, but you have definitely caused accidents. (And that is probably true.  It's the slow, nervous people on the road that drive and hum happily while they unknowingly cause 15 car pileups behind them.)

Her -Well one time I "swooped' into a pole behind me.
Me - You mean you backed into it.
Her - No, I swooped.
Me - Also known as backing into it on an angle.

Very convincing argument from someone who, that same night, drove in the oncoming traffic lane until I pointed it out.  Saying you'd "be a better driver in Britain" does not make you any more credible.