Mirror, Mirror Near the Stall

I'm sure some very important people selected the Seven Wonders of the World as we know them today.  Unfortunately, the ball was dropped with their omission of one critical location -

The women's bathroom on the 1st floor of Building A at my place of employment.

For starters, I walked in last week to find a magnifying mirror adhered to the regular old full length mirror.  Men, I hate to creep you out here but women use those things in the privacy of their own homes to extract stubborn pimples and pluck hairs that could not possibly be seen by the naked eye.  You do not need 10x magnification to put on lipstick in the office.  If you do, go visit a doctor because you are legally blind.  If I see someone using that mirror for something disgusting, I will rip it off the God damn wall and smash it on the floor.   I mean it.

Why find out how ugly you really are up close at work?  Save it for your own house.  And bring wine.

The funny thing is that I doubt facilities came up with this brilliant idea.  So who had the balls to customize the workplace restroom?  I'm certain a random employee thought they were entitled to make this personal accommodation and stuck it up there.  And good thing they did....clearly it will come up under the "initiative" category in their performance review.

I would not be surprised if the woman who made eye contact with me, said hello, then sat down NEXT to me (there are 9 stalls and they were all empty) and explosively farted 10 times in a row will be found retiling the floors next week.  Hell, why not change the fixtures to suit her needs?  Make it your happy place.  You are already comfortable enough to let it all out while people are just trying to peacefully pee and run.

I didn't stick around for longer than I had to, but I suspect it looked something like this.

But most interesting, and what is unfortunately becoming a nationwide epidemic....cell phone conversations on the toilet.  In the office?  Really?  Play a game of Angry Birds on the bowl in your own house but do not schedule doctors appointments from in there.  You have a desk phone, feel free to use it.  I insist.  And if the call is so damn personal, why call from the toilet?  We can all see your shoes, it's not like there's a big mystery if you hide in a stall.

We have several phone offenders...the one who throws her pants all the way to the floor so they are lying on the tile (and according to a very special episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show, bathroom floors are actually dirtier than toilet seats) and chats away regularly. 

But my personal favorite is The Pregnant Girl with the Bluetooth Headset. 

Not only does she roam around with it in her ear all hours of the day, but she wears it into the bathroom.  She frequents the private handicapped stall and has extended conversations with family and friends.   And, without making myself look like a total weirdo, I often wonder what's going on in there since I witness this regularly.

Yes, this is the actual bathroom.  Nothing says inviting quite like a sign indicating the toilet doesn't flush automatically.

So here's my question....where exactly are you having the 30 minute conversions on your cell phone?  There is no chair in there other than the one with the big watery hole.  I like to think she stands next to the paper towel dispenser and uses the safety bar as an armrest.  If she sits on the floor (vomit), she should definitely be fired.  And immediately after delivery, the hospital should confiscate her baby because she makes very poor decisions.  (Although she spends so much time in there, chances are he/she will be born in that very bathroom.) 

Feel free to share your stories............