The Desk

Nothing like starting a Monday with absolutely no access to your computer.  Especially when you need to call The Desk.  I decided to drop the prefix "Help" some time in 2005 because they're helpful about 0% of the time.

I'm not sure what type of fancy PR consultant chose their hold music, but it actually gives the impression they'll solve your problem.  It's a very energetic piano ballad - a cross between the theme songs from Family Ties and a Lifetime Original Movie about a child who overcomes blindness, dyslexia and homelessness.  It almost makes you  feel like skipping through a field of sunflowers.....until it becomes apparent that same tune played about 19 times while you were waiting on hold.

At first I was enthusiastic because my situation was "escalated" to Level 2 support.  That means they really care.  Much to my chagrin, they sound exactly the same as Level 1 and there is no clear distinction between their skill levels.  Jesus Christ himself is probably somewhere around Level 53 - maybe one day I'll have a problem bad enough to achieve that level of support.   But for today it was the guy who put me on hold and forgot to put the music back on.  I was no longer inspired to skip through a field.

For those of you who never experienced the joy of having someone "remote" into your computer, you might want to try it one day.  Especially if you enjoy staring at a screen while people click around and do the same things you tried 482 times before calling.  It's similar to when my husband has too many drinks, sneaks up behind me and operates my arms like I'm a puppet to amuse party guests.  You just stand there lifeless and pray it's over quickly.

And by they way, they get very angry when you try regaining control of your computer while they're troubleshooting.  Today I saw this -

One time I clicked on a similar message and pornographic images installed all over my desktop...at work.  But this time I was willing to take the chance.

So I clicked and followed directions.  Level 2 was very pissed.  Apparently I was supposed to sit quietly and stop touching things.  And good thing I did, because he was a technical expert. After asking for my password (which I do believe is the equivalent of pulling up in a van outside an elementary school and asking me to jump in to help find your lost puppy), I unwillingly handed it over.  He then actually had the nerve to simply type my password into the log in screen about 30 times.  I guess he didn't think I was smart enough to understand how the keyboard on my laptop works.  Nor did he think I tried that before.  This coming from a man who actually asked if I wanted "access to my entire computer".

Yes sir, yes I do.  And telling me that you'll email me when my access is reinstated is not helpful because my f*cking email doesn't work. 

After 4 hours of intermittent access, the issue was resolved.  This evening I received 4 surveys from The Desk. And they all contained this nifty image -

Well guess what, Desk?  I'll fill out all your surveys, no squandering here.  But the fact that I got 4 surveys to match the 4 times I had to call in one day will probably bring your customer service stats down.