To All the Girls I've Loved Before....

(No, I was never a lesbian.  Sorry to disappoint readers who assumed this would be a confession about my secret former life.)

I just realized Administrative Professionals Week is nearing.  Great time to reflect on the fact that my track record with coordinators/administrative assistants has been worse than Murphy Brown's.  And yes, I'm dating myself by mentioning a TV show from the 90s but it was one of my favorites.  And for those of you who are too young or lame (sorry to my UK friends who have no clue what the hell I'm talking about) to get the reference - Pee Wee Herman was her 76th secretary and turned out to be the best one.  Get my point?

If Pee Wee ever rode into my office on his big red bike and reported for duty, I'd probably be thrilled. Chances are it would have been a serious improvement from what I was dealing with. 

Frankly, I might even settle for this version of him.  Everybody makes mistakes.

I am not a snob nor do I currently have someone in that capacity.  But there have been times that my job required some coordination behind the scenes.  And when it has, I've typically shared that resource with a number of people equally as unfortunate as I was.

My last coordinator supported a fairly large group of people.  After she had a near mental breakdown in the office, I confiscated her badge and computer and sent her home (with instructions not to come back).  I had absolutely no authority to do this but figured I was doing the company a service.  Nobody ever thanked me but they probably just forgot to. She has not answered any of my texts since that week.  I hope she's okay.

The one before her was, shall I say seasoned?  Is that the politically correct term for someone too old to understand how voicemail works?  She told me it was too complicated to record an outgoing greeting "through the computer".  I'm not even sure what type of logic led her down that path but I guess it was no surprise.  Technology was not her best friend.  She had a folder in her email inbox titled "email".  Aren't they all emails?

This is the actual phone.  Not very confusing in my opinion.

During a conversation about my codeine cough medicine, she actually asked if I had ever been under the influence of a controlled substance.  At least she was thoughtful enough to suggest that I buy prunes because it might cause constipation.  Real bonding moment.

One thing about the two I just described - very nice people.  And I can usually tolerate nice and crazy.  It's the bitchy/crazy ones that I have no time for.  A while back someone told me she was not doing anything that didn't directly affect her life.  If that doesn't scream team player, I don't know what does.  I was bullied into nominating her for awards just for doing her normal day-to-day job.  It's not much different than giving my dog treats when she shits outside.

Another refused to pay any bills.  And her job was to pay bills, by the way.  Anything she was disinterested in dealing with was my responsibility because I made more money than her.  And that is not an assumption I am making.  She used those exact words once when I asked for her help.  I know my boss is reading this so it's a good time to point out that I agree with her logic.  (Hey, worth a shot.)

So to all you people with more than "adequate" level support staff - buy them a present or bake cookies between April 24-30 at the absolute minimum. And if they, like a special person I remember fondly, say they're above receiving a gift on that day,  just offer to buy lunch.  Then spit in it.