Bloggerazzi

Yes, I realize it's completely obnoxious to take pictures of unsuspecting people.  It's the worst when I make friends and family pretend to pose while I secretly photograph things going on behind them.

But on my recent vacation to the Hard Rock in Punta Cana, I felt I was entitled.  Vacation should be all about me, and it was.   Plus, let's be honest - America is bad enough, but some things you experience outside our borders require a permanent record.  Here's a few of my favorites -

 

No, you are not seeing double. Two women (neither of which should be wearing horizontal stripes), in matching dresses at the airport.  My husband's "OMG, I got the BEST dress at Burlington Coat Factory.  OMG, I ALSO got the BEST dress at Burlington Coat Factory" comment was very amusing.

The archery instructor was absolutely the same person who served me a steak and performed in the center of a bad ass dance circle the prior night .  It's entirely possible he's skilled at all things vacation, but drunk people should not be shooting arrows unless they've been trained  by a professional.  One of the pools was not far away from that target.  (If someone was hit in the face with an arrow, I'd be all over it with my Canon Powershot.)

She's 60 - I know for sure because my husband befriended someone in her vacation brigade who mentioned it.  I felt stupid when he told me the same story moments after my capturing her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover shoot.  She looked great for her age but what exactly was the plan for these pictures?  Oh, my blog?  Awesome, thanks for that.

There are two things wrong with this picture -

1- That guy actually videotaped the entire Hibachi-style meal preparation, all 982 courses they cook on that grill.  Where has it been all his life?  We all love the onion volcano but I do not love it enough to watch the footage ever again.

2- His video camera was probably the reason airlines require you to pay for luggage now.  I think it was bigger than my suitcase. 

It's bad enough when adults get their hair braided by beach drifters, (if you're one of those people, please stop doing that) but there's no need for island themed jewelry to show co-workers you went on a trip.  Just get tan like the other normal members of society.  But if you insist, it's probably not wise to wear your giant starfish necklace in the sun.  Having that image reverse burned into your skin might be worse than discovering you became pregnant with the breakfast buffet omelette chef's baby after 8 margaritas.

It was a lovely trip, I swear.  Although I did miss some great photo opportunities seeing as there wasn't massive world destruction on the 21st of May.  Imagine if a tsunami ripped the bathing suits off some of those pool dwellers?  They were holding on for dear life already - strings and spandex can only take so much before they give up.

Suck It Up

I misplace everything.  My wedding vows should have included him accepting that, at any given moment, his possessions might go missing.  Forever.

I don't like admitting it, but there is zero logic behind my frequent relocation of items.  Not long ago, I found a handset to our home telephone, face down in the kitchen sink. After laughing at myself and taking this picture, I accidentally left it there for another hour.  Why promptly remove electronic devices from sources of water?

Do not judge me - I clean that sink regularly.  A few noodles never killed anyone.

Two weeks ago,  the vacuum went missing.  Since the lovely women who clean our house on a bi-weekly basis purchased my same vacuum as a backup, I figured they took it home in error. After checking all the usual places (not the sink, that would just be ridiculous - or would it?), I gave up.  So on cleaning day, I left them a note.  And here was their response -

Easter would've been nicer with freshly cleaned carpets.  Just saying.

So I call them, assuming they misunderstood my VERY clear note.  Not the stick vacuum, but the full-sized one. Keep up, people...we are losing time.  I have (zero) vacuuming to do.

Before their next visit,  I sent an email to my husband with detailed instructions on how to address this issue in person.  He was working from home that day.  I said -

(Good luck having that conversation - remember, they bought the same one as a backup which is why I thought they might have taken it accidentally)

So for the second time, they are approached about taking my vacuum. And for the second time they confirm this did not happen. Now I'm just perplexed and fairly annoyed. 

Fast forward about 3 hours.  I am driving home from work, 90 minutes of terrible traffic. I'm tired and starving.  Husband is in a rush and calls asking if I've seen his car keys.  At first, I said no. Then knowing me, I looked around and realized I took them to work with me.  Along with my own keys.  No clue why.

(Insert fighting and texting.  He was mad that I was "inconsiderate".  I was mad that he called me inconsiderate - maybe irresponsibly scattered and a kidnapper of his stuff, but not inconsiderate!)

After running into the house and avoiding him, I basically walk directly into the missing vacuum.  Someone apparently put it in the middle of our dining room. I pretended like I didn't see it.  (It's red, and it's a vacuum.  Impossible to miss.)


Fast forward again, this time 1 hour.  Text appears on my phone - "Was that the missing vacuum in the dining room?"  Such a smart ass, I was so tempted to say "No, I've never seen that one in my life".  He found it in the garage (or so he says).

I should probably apologize to the people I accused (twice) of stealing my vacuum.  But honestly, I just don't feel like it.   I tried to apologize to my husband this week - a general one targeted at years of stolen/misplaced items.  Then I found out I borrowed something of his and left it in a completely stupid place again.  I tried.